i just wanna soil my oats bro
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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