I cockslap morals
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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