While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
