I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
