Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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