It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
