Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
