I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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