i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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