you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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