At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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