Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
