He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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