Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
