No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
