woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
