Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
