No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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