you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
