I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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