If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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