my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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