It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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