Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
