I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
