i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
