He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
