You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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