Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
