I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
