I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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