I'm lost and stupid without you.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
