i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
