I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
