Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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