does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
