you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
