I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
