Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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