I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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