tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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