I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize