if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
