this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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