I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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