K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We had sex on a dog bed..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
