Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
