cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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