You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
