I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
