I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
