Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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