Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
