what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
