My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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