shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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