OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
