So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
