Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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