Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
