my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
